A Letter to All Of You
I hope you’re all having an awesome day. Its hot here, but as I write ~ being in this particular part of my house provides some solace. I’m writing to - well I don’t know really why I am writing this but I feel I want to. I wanted to write this saying that I want to apologize for the scarce post though that doesn’t quite seem right. I guess i’ll just get right to it :)
Its been a long past eight and a half months. You see, I guess I feel comfortable enough to say this ~ my friend ( We’ll call her Sarah ) was raped some months ago by an older man and its been hard for her; really hard. Shes, shes someone very dear to me and very special. I will never leave her side. I’m writing this here because I think it, in a way, has to do with this awesome blog that I love so much. I post what I love, sometimes they are seen as strong, fragile or something that cannot be explained. And what I don’t post doesnt mean I don’t love it but thats really a different story.
For the past eight months or so, I have been some what traumatized by all this. When scouring around for more pictures to post, sometimes I come across some pictures that make me repulsed or turn my stomach. Its not to say that these pictures actually have anything wrong with them though due to previous events, well I guess you guys can see why I’d be turned off from certain pictures right now. I know everything he did to Sarah, and rape has always been a somewhat great fear of mine. I don’t know exactly why, but it has.
You see, my last girlfriend; Jessy. Her father raped her when she was seven. Obviously it changed her life. She ended up killing herself when she was 18 because of this. When I started that new venture of our relationship with her, she was my best friend. She was everything to me. And we loved eachother. Though both of us knew it was always a real possibility that she may kill herself while we were dating. It wasnt as if she was crazy or something although she was often dubbed as so. She just wanted to live her life with no inhibitions. In the last conversation we had, I hadn’t seen her for some months because she had been running from her parents.The Moon was out and she told me that a month ago she actually was going to do it. She was going to kill herself and she made sure she had told everyone goodbye. Though when she was ready she realized that she had forgotten to say goodbye to me. On that moonlit night that we stood and spoke for hours, she told me about how I had been the first person to ever understand her, to ever really know her. She said she couldnt live like this anymore and she realized why she had tried to kill herself so many times. She felt she couldnt truly be her and be accepted in this world. She had to normalize herself like everyone else in order to just survive. You see, with me in her life ~ She felt like herself. And by being herself she knew she couldn’t stay here in a place that she felt was so pushing her to be like everyone else.
So as she stood there, in her new clothing and her new look. I saw her. I saw the girl I so dearly fell in love with. And she was perfect. We saw eachother. We said our goodbyes and we hugged for the last time as Lips of an Angel played through her headphones ” ahh my iTunes always does this ” She said to me smiling. I laughed :) She told me ” I’ll always have a part of you with me “, I was silent. We looked into each others eyes one last time and I left. Soon after, maybe a week. She had died. I couldn’t tell her to stay here, to tell her to stay here and endure the pain, the pain of not being free. Thats never something I could tell her to do.
You see, this has made me a bit afraid of the present. Sarah was raped and … its brought up alot for me. Not to mention. Before Jessy I was in such an emotionally repressive and abusive relationship and being molested when I was younger … Every friend that Ive had, that I have every truly been close to. They’ve been raped at some point in their lives and its been so much to have friends go though such pain and see them go though it. Its been alot. and now, after sarah being raped. I feel it has actually made me a bit afraid to post some photos these last couple of months and its brought alot out of me and I discovered alot about myself.
You see, I don’t want this. This feeling of fear and maybe, maybe I dont have to ignore it. But I will face it. I’m not letting this stop me. All these experiences ~ I won’t let them change who I am. I am me, beautiful, perfect, strong and fragile me. And that will never change. And I thank you all so much for your wonderful comments, you continued support, I love it and I really really appreciate you all so much even if I don’t say it all the time. I really do. I will not change what I post, because it is me. I post what I love, not because of what my fears allow me to post or what others think are acceptable or not. I am free and I am Awesome. Just like all of you. All of you.
No matter what your gender, this can apply to all of us. We are beautiful. Period. I need time to be with myself, to rekindle that flame of, well ~ me. And that means posting here, being naked and being happy. I love you all so so much. I really thank you all. We can be strong guys <33
Jessy and I … thank you Jessy
Sarah, thank you
All of you guys, thank you
My Ask Box is open if you guys want to talk :) I’d be happy to talk anyway. :)